by Mandie Mutchie

Valentine’s Day was yesterday, as the lingerie world surely knows! 

Some people call it “Singles awareness day” because it can be excruciating for those who don’t have someone to listen to everyone else go gaga over the holiday! 

Whether you celebrate single’s awareness day, you’ve got a main squeeze to shower affection on, or you’re somewhere in between, the following collection of stories should bring a smile to your face, or maybe even make you laugh out loud! It’s a compilation of awful dates from some of my friends and connections on social media. So please enjoy the following tales, use them as a “what not to do” guide, and remember – it could always be worse! 

I’ll start with the only actual Valentine’s Day story - 

Spare Me!
My wife and I went to the Marriott for a Valentine’s overnight. After dinner we got in the elevator with a women’s bowling team that was in town for a tournament. 
They were quite inebriated and having fun. Before we reached the third floor the elevator stopped. We were trapped for over an hour with a bunch of women that REALLY had to go to the bathroom. I finally got the door open and we got out. The manager said he didn’t want to call the fire department because it would look bad for the hotel. Well, we got a free week-end out of it and I didn’t have to watch any bowlers pee in the corner of the elevator so, it worked out for the best. 
- Craig, 63, facebook.com/MeanJake   

Next up is a TRIFECTA of awful dates, all from the same person who fortunately has quite the sense of humor! 

This fire was never lit!
When I first moved back to Madison I went out with a guy that I met online, who am I kidding; most of my dating stories start with “a guy I met online” lol.
I was pretty excited, why…because he was a firefighter (pause for that smile that comes across every girls face when you think of firefighters). So I waited outside of the Barnes & Nobles for us to meet and then head down to The Taste of Madison. He walked up and well the whole firefighter fantasy went out the window. He was shorter and a bit more stout than his pictures showed, he was wearing pleated kakis, a button down shirt that was tucked into his pants…not being shallow, just trying to 
give you the whole picture…it was also strike one.
Anyway, we go to The Taste of Madison where you can try amazing foods from resturants all over Madison. I being a girl was not going to eat before he did so we walked around the capitol square three times before he looked at me and said “Would you want to go to Red Robin instead?” I honestly just stood there trying to wrap my head around what he had just said, I responded “Sure.” So I drove us to Red Robin, yes I was driving because he didn’t drive in the city. We went to Red Robin; I needed a beer at this point because I just wanted out. He then proceeds to tell me that he is allergic to beer…strike two and I think three. After “dinner” I drove back to the Mall to drop him off and he asked if I wanted to go see a movie and I said “Oh sorry, I can’t, I have to get home to let me dog out.” He got out of the car and that was the end of that. But every time I have ever signed back up for Match.com he always winks at me lol

Short Stack
I feel like I should tell you about both dates with another guy I met online. They are pretty epic, and yes, there were two dates. When telling this story to friends I refer to him as short stack, you will figure out why pretty quickly.
On our first date we went for breakfast, I like breakfast dates because midmornings I still look quite refreshing. Anyway, so he arrived and while I knew that he was short I didn’t quite think about the fact that I am 5’4 and he was 5’2, but I thought oh come on, so he is shorter I still wanted to give him a shot. We had breakfast and a waitress walks by us and he asks her if he could have more coffee. This waitress proceeds to give him a look like “are you really that stupid or do you have to try” and then reaches for the coffee pot that is sitting on our table in between the two of us, I just about died I was laughing so hard. Oh and he also brought his ex-girlfriend up a number of times, by name which should have been a sign to me. Overall first date was not that bad, second date however, awful.
I had just returned from traveling for two weeks straight and literally got off the plane, changed and headed out to meet him for drinks and then going to the comedy club. I decided that I should have Vodka-Red Bull because that seemed logical, good energy boost and calm the nerves (later I would discover that drink is a bad combination). So drinks were fine and then we headed to the comedy club and that was alright although I was starting to realize that I wasn’t seeing a third date in our future. Well we went back to the bar after the comedy club was done (poor choice) and that is where I turned into failure. Aside from continuing to talk about his ex-girlfriend and bring her up, there was a girl standing next to me and she 100% accidentally spilled her drink on me and he flipped out on her. Total short guy, stereotype, Napoleon complex. He went to the restroom and the girl looked at me and said “Do you need help to get away from him; I can help you get out of here.” I said that I was fine and she said “Are you sure?” I said I was. Well because I am a good person I told him that he could stay at my house because he had too much to drink and could not drive home. I am not proud of the fact that I even made out with him at my apartment but we all have moments where we think…well why not. Well while making out he proceeds to start dry-humping me like a 
spider monkey and says “Do you like that baby.” 
Yup…someday that sentence is going to be used in the right 
context and complete knock the wind out of my sails because of short stack.
Oh and when I told him that I didn’t want to see him again because I wasn’t ready to date, the king of thins not to say said “That’s ok, I have another date with another girl on Thursday anyway.”

A Self-Absorbed Bargain
I went out with a guy that would not stop talking about himself; I honestly could not get a word in edgewise. I even tried bringing up things about myself thinking he might ask questions and he didn’t he turned it into him. 
We went to dinner at a place on State Street and when dinner was done I reached for my purse (pretending I was willing to chip in) and asked what I owed, to which he said “Oh don’t worry about it, it was only $19 anyway…” 
Awesome
All three of those are from Kristina F
28, RMS Install Technician, Madison, WI

Straight to the Heart
I met this woman through an acquaintance. We arranged a time to meet for dinner. Things weren’t going great from the start. I talked, she didn’t talk much at all. Had a rather blank look on her face. She didn’t eat much of her food, yet she ordered a few drinks. Later on, things got better, we started talking. Then I received the most random “compliment”. She looked down at my arms and said I have really nice veins. I was speechless…..to say the least. Eventually, I took her home and we never went out again. A couple months later, I talked to the acquaintance that introduced us, and he mentioned that she had been meeting with the wrong people and was turned on to meth. He said he hadn’t talked to her in a long time. So, that was basically my worst dating experience. 
Chuck K, 31 years old
Quad Graphics employee (5 years)
New Berlin, WI 
Twitter handle: @BrewFan0419

Do you fancy cats?
Back some years ago before married life, before online dating was as common as it is today, I decided to give it a go. Someone responded to my ad and the initial email exchanges seemed OK So we agreed to meet at an East Side spot for brunch. There was no initial spark at first sight, but nothing wins me over like a good conversation. 
Well, that wasn’t going to happen. We tried to find commons interests but there weren’t many, except, we were both cat owners. Now, I love my cat and he’s part of the family, but I don’t subscribe to Cat Fancy magazine. She did. That takes cat ownership to a whole new level. Somehow, between sips of coffee, the conversation morphed into her talking about various articles she had recently read in Cat Fancy. One.After.Another. I don’t remember if it was the article about the recessive traits of the pekingese cat or the one about toilet training your cat, but I knew it was time to head out. I called for the check – we went dutch, and I wished her good luck!

The Best Years of Her Life!
During another first time date, we agreed to meet at an East Side bar. We sat down at a booth and began to chat. 
With a great song from the 80s coming through the bar’s speakers, the conversation quickly turned to music. We both loved the music from that era and some of those great synth bands, like Depeche Mode. Nice, something in common. 
I tried to carry the conversation to another topic, but she brought it back to music. “The Smiths, The Cure. I mean, they just don’t make music like that anymore.” She seemed to be pretty upset about this. “Music today just sucks. There is nothing good today. I just wish I could go back to that era” She went on and on, continuing her lamentation as if I wasn’t there. “That was so much fun. 
Those were some of the best years of my life.” Whoah, what? I was only 15 when the decade ended. She was certainly younger than I was and, after some quick math, I realized she couldn’t have been older than 10 at the end of the 80s. Those were the best years of her life? It was clear I could never compete with “those years” so, needless to say, we never had another date. 
Michael P, works at a nonprofit in Milwaukee 

Casual Cocktails
We had not gone out long. He seemed good on paper and was an internet connection. I thought it would be a nice “get to know you” date to do dinner and a movie at my house. He walked in with a giant bottle of vodka and said we could have cocktails… Within my 1 drink, I didn’t pay attention to him refilling his. He went out for a smoke and tripped up the step to come back in doing a summersault into my kitchen. I thought it was odd. I had to do some final touches to our dinner, when I went into the living room to tell him it was ready, he was passed out. I tried to wake him nicely. Then I tried to seriously wake him – there was no waking him. That’s when I noticed that the majority of the bottle, you know, the one that is so big that has the built in handle, was nearly empty. So, I went upstairs to my bedroom, ate and talked about him on the phone. That was the end of him.

What is “Bill” short for?
Another attempt at an internet connection, this guy seemed to have the tough guy attitude – a little rough around the edges, your basic project guy. It was a little exciting until on our first date a friend of mine was joking around with me and called me William. He was shocked and bothered that my name was William, since I told him it was Bill. 
BTW, he later told me his middle name was William. I guess that and the fact that he had a tooth growing out of the middle of the roof of his mouth seemed less appealing than the project at hand.

Clap Off!
A VERY handsome guy I pursued through work turned out to be a big city Chicago guy. I invisioned fun downtown events and we actually ended up doing some. We would do a weekend by his place, a weekend by mine in Racine and though the distance seemed challenging, it was fun to go out on the town. I started to notice that all the events were my idea, the conversation was subject to my initiation and there was very little thought put in by him. The topper was at Christmas – he gave me a Clapper, that I firmly believe he picked up at Walgreens on the way to my house. The funny part was, when using it – the clapping part would not work, but when on the phone, my laugh would set it off. It would make me laugh harder. He was gone after New Years.
- Compliance Specialist for a major Chicago based insurance company. 

Well, whether you had the romantic Valentine’s Day of your dreams, or a nightmare worse than these (and trust me, there are submissions that I chose not to share!), I hope that we at least made you smile with our stories! 

My boyfriend and I both readily admit that our first date was actually the worst date we have ever been on – that should give singles some hope! Happy Belated Valentine’s Day! 

xoxo, 

Mandie

Amanda Mutchie began her professional modeling career nearly ten years ago, and has appeared in many national and international publications, and commercials. Over the course of her modelingcareer, she worked with many acclaimed makeup artists, learning from them along the way. She eventually became a makeup artist herself and started FaceScape Artistry. Now she works with incredible photographers, models, brides, and other clients to create glamorous as well as natural makeup looks. She also channels her passion for fitness and nutrition and desire to help others into her work as a beachbody coach, and is pursuing her Master’s degree in Curriculum and Instruction.
For more information on Mandie go towww.MandieM.com, www.facescapeartistry.com, email Mandie at mandelicious@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter @mandelicious.  Don’t forget to “like” her pages on facebook, too!  www.facebook.com/MandieLM &www.facebook.com/FaceScapeArtistry www.lipglossnlace.com 
*Photo by Rafal Krolik of Seville Media  

via McPete Sez Newsletter.